"Please tie her tubes in the night."

"Please tie her tubes in the night."

"Don’t lie, a weird, never-aging dead kid is your ideal man.”

"Don’t lie, a weird, never-aging dead kid is your ideal man.”

"You can just smash through something with your fist … or head … and not worry about it, I might hurt myself.”

"You can just smash through something with your fist … or head … and not worry about it, I might hurt myself.”

"Look out, one of those women is about to think for herself!"

"Look out, one of those women is about to think for herself!"

“I told you you were a horrible mother!”

“I told you you were a horrible mother!”

"Nothing but sheer madness could possess him to wear that shade of lilac…."

"Nothing but sheer madness could possess him to wear that shade of lilac…."

“I’m left here meditating on these timeless questions that come up at the holidays, like the meaning of family, the validity of the institution of marriage in the 21st century, if, in fact, anyone actually LIKES to eat fruit cake, which is all I could find for breakfast, and where in this house do they keep the paper towels?”

“I’m left here meditating on these timeless questions that come up at the holidays, like the meaning of family, the validity of the institution of marriage in the 21st century, if, in fact, anyone actually LIKES to eat fruit cake, which is all I could find for breakfast, and where in this house do they keep the paper towels?”

“She could dump him and find herself a good midget.”

She could dump him and find herself a good midget.”

“How can they be descended from criminals when they’re that cute?”

How can they be descended from criminals when they’re that cute?”

"He doesn’t mean to try and rip the flesh off people but sometimes he just can’t help it."

"He doesn’t mean to try and rip the flesh off people but sometimes he just can’t help it."